Mothers don’t usually consider a lost sense of self as a reason for their negative self-talk, conflicting feelings, or symptoms probably because the whole concept of self, one’s sense of self, is so abstract and elusive. And then to talk about losing that sense of self, well, that may be pushing things. Another reason might involve the fact that childbirth is usually thought of as an occasion to be joyfully anticipated, celebrated, and embraced in its entirety. To introduce a negative consequence of having a baby might raise a few eyebrows, and no one wants to do that. But the truth is, having a baby changes everything, and mothers learn this quite quickly. It’s even something Johnson & Johnson clearly advertises. Of course J & J shows the sweeter, gentler moments that babies fill in the lives of their parents, but the reality of a baby is far more complicated than a twenty-second commercial intended to entice its viewing public. Having a baby and caring for the child that he or she becomes is hard work and involves many tough moments. Unfortunately, mothers rarely talk about these tough times and in that tacit way become vulnerable to society’s skewed perception that they have the “luxury” of staying home with their children as though it should be a welcomed situation that bears no burdens.

I’ve taken the time to speak with men, women, and mothers who work full-time outside the home, and it never ceases to amaze me when I hear comments that expose envy and mistaken ideals. Once I overheard a conversation my husband had with several acquaintances he knew from a theater group. He was asked if his wife worked. He answered, “Yes, she works full-time at home with our three children.” Although I smiled upon hearing this because I knew I had duly influenced him over the years, I was nevertheless disheartened when I heard their responses. “Yes, but does she work?” Again my husband said, “Yes, at home.” This went on for several minutes with my husband having to “defend” me. It was clear that their inquisition went beyond curiosity and toward a kind of resentment that is hard to put into words. I wanted to scream from the other room, “Yes, I !@#&*% work. In fact, I never not work. I move from chore to chore all day without a word of praise or gratitude. I work two twelve-hour shifts every day and eat my meals while standing and serving others. I receive no paycheck for my efforts or any medical benefits. I can never quit (or get fired!), call in sick, get a paid vacation, or receive a pension for the many years I devoted to my work. My work is tedious, demanding, and all-consuming, and yet others think nothing of judging me or criticizing me for doing what they could not (or do not) do.” Needless to say, I felt angry and somewhat self-conscious, as though I should question what I was doing at home with my children. Given such subtle (and unfortunate) messages from society, mothers may ignore, deny, or stifle any feelings that reflect a personal crisis related to motherhood.